Last night I gazed at the cresent moon, slightly bigger than a sliver. Heading towards fullness, the bright cleansing light. Known as a time for renewal, of cleansing, for clearing the slate.
In the two days since I arrived back to my “home” country, according to passport and blood relations, I've re-registered into this society that I now also feel a new sense of alienation towards. I feel different. I feel like the foreigner. I’ve looked forward to being the different one. I was pleasantly surprised by myself the other day when I realized I don’t want to get caught up in the local tends, the fashion, the magazine come to life look. But it’s also overwhelming to be here.
I think it’s finally dawned on me. That I’ve left the nest I’d created in Australia, and have returned to my old stomping grounds as a new person. I’m a mother, I’m self aware in an entirely new way. I’m a yoga teacher. I’m an entrepreneur, who is still nervous to call herself that. I feel the tingles in my hands and feet. I feel safe sitting on a dark bench in the warm evening, where no one can see me crying, but I still hear the life and the hum and the conversations of people, meeting with friends. It’s comforting. Listening to people speaking different languages.
Denmark doesn't feel so Danish anymore. Or rather, Copenhagen doesn't. Like a recent “arrival” to the danish archipelago, in the same way New York City is an island of its own, somewhere between the US and Europe. Because this city is definitely not the city I left. And while I kinda knew that and the thought reassured me tremendously when we decided to make our move, as we slowly (quickly??) travelled closer and closer. Now, we’re here.
Tonight I think we agreed on an apartment to rent. We haven’t even been here for 48 hours. Damn we’re efficient. Fast movers. It’s how we roll. Or not really. Well, sometimes. We’re usually well aligned in our thinking, so when we have big decisions to make, we make them together, then hold on tight, and jump in. Together. So even if we don’t quite know what’s ahead, we’re in it together and we're one helluva team. And it's always worked out.
So this time, I don’t know if, or why, I feel something is different. Our amazing two months of travel through North America, together, as our little family. Our grand holiday, the opportunity to let go of the Aussie everyday and clean the slate in time for Denmark. Without even thinking about it most of our major destinations have actually been places of significance for me. And I never had time to give it a thought until tonight: After riding through town, noticing the signs of anxiety growing stronger and stronger. The restricted breath, the ringing in my ears, everything seeming brighter. Definitely a state of heightened alertness.
Just before I left Denmark in 2010, I was regularly seeing a psychologist for help in dealing with work (life??) -related stress. I’d been having nosebleeds before heading to work. That’s one of the reasons I became a yoga teacher when I moved to Australia. Yesterday I had the loveliest encounter with an old acquaintance, and an old colleague, and my old place of work. It was really lovely and heartwarming. Later that evening, it somehow turned heart "tensing".
Our travels took us to LA, the place where I read the book “The Mastery of Love” by don Miguel Ruiz, which absolutely changed my perspective on love and relationships, and as a result I'm sure helped to cement my relationship with the love of my life. Who is now my husband. LA was also the city of my high school bestie, and I missed seeing her.
We went to Vancouver, where I'd visited with my mum the summer I moved to Denmark, in 1996. When I would start attending boarding school, and live on the other side of the world to my parents.
We went to New York, and I found the place I’d lived for three months during an internship, 15 years ago. In reality, three months of debauchery, and this time I kept wondering back to who and how many people I’d let down with my self-absorbed behavior.
And now I’m in Copenhagen, with my mindblowing-ly amazing 2 year old daughter. And everything feels new. This city has transformed. It is awesome. I think. So many foreigners, so many new places to check out. Everything, everyone, looks beautiful. And I worry about my daughter. How will she grow up in this? How can I continue to foster the curious, carefree, free spirited, determined, friendly, creative nature?! And as I write this, I realise that I need to change my perspective. I’m the one stuck in the past. I was once was one of those teenagers I frown upon now. Because around me is a lot of free spirited, creative, fun, curious creatures. I need to give them a chance.
I go into this with an open mind. I need to embrace MY curious nature, my creativity, my free spirit, my friendliness. Remember to listen. Because I am the change I want to see in the world. My way will lead my daughter’s way. We WILL be fine. Everything is OK. I have the help I need.
Slowly. Cautiously, just enough to not overwhelm.
But still be me.. slowly. Like the moon.